Maybe You Don't Need More Resilience. Maybe Something Needs to Change.

Resilience is one of those words that's almost impossible to argue with. Of course we want to be resilient. We want to be able to cope when life gets difficult, recover after setbacks and keep going when things don't quite work out as planned.

The problem is that resilience has also become something of a workplace cure-all. If employees are exhausted, overwhelmed or struggling, the response is often to help them become more resilient: perhaps a wellbeing webinar, some mindfulness, a reminder to take proper lunch breaks or access to an app that tells you to breathe.

None of those things are necessarily bad. But occasionally I find myself wondering whether we're asking the wrong question.

Instead of asking, “How can this person become more resilient?”, perhaps we should sometimes be asking, “Why does their situation require this much resilience in the first place?”

When coping becomes a full-time job

Burnout is more than having a particularly awful week at work. It can develop when workplace stress becomes chronic and there isn't enough opportunity to recover from it. People may feel emotionally and physically exhausted, increasingly detached from their work, or as though they're no longer functioning as effectively as they once did.

Yet the responsibility for fixing that often seems to land squarely with the individual. Improve your boundaries. Sleep more. Exercise. Manage your time better. Learn to switch off.

Again, these things can help, but there's something slightly absurd about teaching someone breathing exercises while leaving completely untouched the workload that's making it difficult for them to breathe.

I think this is especially relevant for people who are neurodivergent, disabled or living with chronic illness. Many have already developed an enormous amount of resilience simply because they've had to.

I write from lived experience of disability and chronic illness as well as from my professional work, and I know how much invisible planning can sit behind something that looks straightforward from the outside. You learn to problem-solve, anticipate barriers, manage energy, advocate for yourself and find another route when the obvious one isn't accessible.

Those skills can make someone incredibly resourceful. They can also make it very easy for other people — and sometimes for us — to assume we're coping simply because we're still managing to get everything done.

But getting through the day and having a life that feels sustainable aren't necessarily the same thing.

Being able to cope doesn't mean you should have to

Sometimes the answer really is better coping strategies. A person might benefit from stronger boundaries, a different routine, more confidence saying no or a more realistic approach to their workload. Not every stressful job needs to be abandoned, and not every uncomfortable situation is a sign that we're in the wrong place.

There are also times when avoidance needs challenging. If we automatically remove everything that causes anxiety or discomfort, life can become very small indeed.

But there is a difference between helping someone become better equipped to deal with normal challenge and repeatedly asking them to adapt to something that is fundamentally unsustainable.

Perhaps the workload actually does need to change. Maybe reasonable adjustments are needed. Perhaps you are doing the work of two people and calling it poor time management. Maybe you've become the dependable one — the person who always says yes, always finds a way and somehow sorts everything out — and now everybody has rather conveniently forgotten that you're a human being rather than an emergency service.

Sometimes the problem isn't that you lack resilience. It might be that you've been relying on it for too long.

A better measure than “I'm still managing”

One thing I often find interesting is how people decide whether they're coping. Usually the evidence sounds something like: I'm still working. I'm meeting my deadlines. Nobody has complained. I'm getting everything done.

Those things matter, of course. But I think we need a wider definition.

What happens when the working day ends? Do you still have enough of yourself left for relationships, hobbies, cooking, movement, rest or anything else that matters to you? Are your weekends genuinely enjoyable, or are they mostly an opportunity to recover enough to start again on Monday?

Do you regularly agree to things you don't have capacity for because saying no feels harder than exhausting yourself? Have you become so good at appearing competent that nobody around you has any idea how much effort maintaining that competence requires?

Those questions can be particularly uncomfortable for high-achieving people because there is often a lot of identity tied up in being capable. If you've spent years being the person who copes, the idea that something might no longer be manageable can feel like a personal failure.

It isn't necessarily one.

Bodies change. Health changes. Families and responsibilities change. Careers change. What worked brilliantly at 25 might not work at 35 or 45. And sometimes, quite reasonably, your tolerance for unnecessary nonsense also decreases with age.

Personally, I consider that one a sign of development.

Perhaps resilience isn't always the goal

Coaching can be useful when the questions are practical: How do I make my workload more sustainable? What boundaries do I need? Do I actually want this career anymore? How can I work with my brain and energy rather than constantly fighting against them?

Counselling may be more helpful when the pattern goes deeper — when overworking is connected to self-worth, perfectionism, fear of disappointing people, people-pleasing or the belief that being useful is what makes you valuable.

Sometimes both conversations are needed.

Resilience absolutely has its place. Life will always ask us to tolerate uncertainty, disappointment and difficulty, and there is value in knowing that we can get through hard things.

I just don't think the goal should always be becoming increasingly skilled at tolerating circumstances that are quietly wearing us down.

So rather than automatically asking, “How can I cope with this better?”, perhaps try asking something slightly different:

What is this costing me? And is that a price I'm still willing to pay?

The answer may not mean immediately changing your job, your career or your entire life. But it might tell you where a conversation needs to begin.

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I'm Emma, a BACP-accredited counsellor, EMDR practitioner and trained coach. I work with adults around issues including burnout, neurodivergence, disability, chronic illness, self-esteem and work-related stress. I also bring lived experience of disability and chronic illness to my work, which influences the way I think about energy, accessibility, productivity and what “sustainable” actually means.

If you'd like to explore whether something in your life needs a different approach — rather than simply trying harder to cope with it — I offer online counselling and coaching. You can get in touch through the contact page on my website to ask a question or arrange an initial conversation.